ive been making myself sick by thinking.
Thinking, thinking, thinking.
about what you ask?
oh. Matthew. yeah. go figure.
Ive been making a fool of myself. All i do is think, sleep, drink and eat Matthew. All day. All i can do is remember all these cute things and all the fun stuff and all our silly jokes we had. Most of all i miss laying in his front room on the couch, drinking hot chocolate, watching movies. movie after movie. Late night drives. being so bored we start to draw in his room... =(
I made the mistake of watching old videos from high school from when we first started dating. just seeing how he used to look at me makes me so angry. I didnt appreciate it. At all. I was such a stupid little girl. I had it in my face all along, all i did was fuck it up at the worst times.
Not sure whats wrong with me, but all i can do is think about him and me and what went wrong and why i cant get over him.
Should i get over him?
Hes over me.
But why should i get over him if i still love him. it would just be torture. complete torture.
But he actually has a girlfriend. a real one. thats not me!
and its fucking killing me.
I love him.
I want to be with him.
I know him better than all those stupid girls.
At least i used to. =/
ive never felt this kind of deep rooted jealousy for any of them before.
he always, forgive my language "fuck and chucks" them. but he kept this one. and shes dumb. not because shes with him, shes just actually stupid. pretty face, skinny body, young and all that jazz, but a full blown idiot. i think matthew does this to keep things on an even keel. not saying hes stupid, just he doesnt have to try to hard with her.
he even knows hes not going to be with her forever, or for that long even, he told me. so why is he wasting time.
The worst thing of all is that he wont speak to me. when were at a party he will, but i know he doesnt want to. im just his dumb ex that wont take a hint. i call him and text him and e mail him and nothing. how does he do it? i could never ignore him. ever. even when i was seeing someone else, i still spoke to him. =/ so whats so horrible about speaking to me now that he is with someone. someone who is temporary.
maybe im just freaking out because he finally took the step. the big step of making another girl his girlfriend. ive always been his girlfriend. the "ex", the "only" the everything. and now im being replaced and compared and its driving me crazy!!!!!!
if i cant have him then i wish i could remove him from my head, like in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. just take this chunk of matthew out of my brain. then maybe one day we will walk by and not know each other and we could start fresh. or maybe nothing at all.
i want no pain. no baggage. nothing.
i know thats what he wants to. maybe thats why he is giving up on me and going to her.
WHO IS SHE???? Shes a thief and a fake.
before he met her, she was this hip hop dancing fag thing and NOOOOOW she is wearing alot of black and she pierced her lip and is trying to be emo and all that fake dumb shit and fuck it makes me so mad.
im getting angry. i cant think about this anymore. what on earth do i do? what?
i love him. i really do. ive tried getting over it, blocking it, replacing it.nothing works. shit.
no boy will compare.
and now im stuck will this horrible feeling in my gut.
i work myself up to much.
whatever. were gonna get back together, grow old, get a house and have really funny, but cute looking babies. and hella cats and lizards.